“And what’s a good name for you today?”. The question made me smile. A twinge of childlike mischievousness bubbled up inside me. I quickly muttered out my name, the one I have been called my whole life. I waited 5 seconds, then said “Darn, I should have said something else like Jenny, or Samantha. I’ve always wanted my name to be Samantha.” The barista smiled and took my wrinkled $20 bill and gave me the change. He directed me to the other end of the counter and said my coffee would be ready over there. Still smiling to myself, I thought of how fun it would be to just change my name everywhere I went. Keep things fresh, fun. My own little inside joke with myself. A pinch of embarrassment hit my ego, then I heard a loud energetic “Samantha!” Hell yeah! This coffee kid totally understood me! I was not the only weird one. The biggest, cheesiest grin swept over my face, and I triumphantly picked up my mug, full of inspiration and semi-floated to the little corner with the comfy chairs. I sat for a few minutes, sipping my coffee and thinking about doing more of the odd things I secretly want to. As long as I can remember I had this rebel inside me that’s always wanted to go against the grain or go at something backwards, simply because someone told me to go forwards. I have come to accept that I have a strong need in my life to figure out my own way, to purposely find another approach than the one usually chosen. I partially blame the fact that I was homeschooled through my early years. We were different than the other kids in the neighborhood. Kids would ask questions, want to hear all about how we did school in the comfort of our home. They wanted to know about the adventures and field trips we went on. I would brag how I could chew gum “in school” and could get all my assignments done first thing in the morning and spend the rest of the afternoon exploring and creating. Sometimes kids would be kids and they would be mean. I can re-call moments feeling proud of my different and other times just longing to blend in.
Still, in the end homeschooling gave me a comfortability with doing things differently. I have been going at this adult thing for a while now and I know there are just some things you have to do a certain way (especially with kids). For example, brushing your teeth or washing your hands. There is for sure a right way to do it, and definitely lots of wrong ways. Outside of these more “no brainer” examples, I find myself, the inner mischief maker, feeling soooo hollow with all the rules and responsibilities. Of course, I am a super mature adult that takes life as serious as it is. (Insert: eye roll and shoulder shrug). But today, today I want to be called Samantha dammit!
The other day, I wore mis-matched earrings. At first, I couldn’t find a specific pair, and then, then I just said who cares I like this one, and this one. It sounds so trivial and probably irritating to some. Ya know the ones. The ones that actually pair all their socks and schedule every moment down to the second. “You have approximately 3 mins and 6 seconds to take a shit.” Is that long? I have actually never timed it honestly. I do know which kids in my house take like forever to do their business.
I digress.
I am easily distracted, and yet I somehow bring it all full circle in the end. Ha! Back on track.
Schedules, responsibilities are all important things. I recently had a conversation with my oldest son about his responsibilities in school. I told him I totally get it. Not wanting to do shit, well you just don’t want to freaking do. I tried to Jedi mind trick him and tell him that finishing his work and doing it well, is actually the ticket to his freedom. It means more fun will come; it means more choices will be available to him. While I do not think he was vibing it, I have no doubt that someday it will all click in that smart creative mind of his.
At the dinner table last night, the kids were all amuck. Full form my fearsome four, picking at each other and being crude. My lone adult voice was getting drowned out by the teasing, laughing and yelling. I found my boom and said “THATS IT! You are ALL gonna clean up after dinner. AND THEN your gonna fold laundry!” My youngest looked at me, shocked and feeling wrongfully accused said “What did I do!?”
Secretly, that’s how I feel sometimes. What did I do that I have to do all this work!? What did I do that I have so little time to play and be free!? We all know the “right” answer to that. I am a grown up…uuuuuuugggghhhh. There is a balance somewhere in there. And I firmly believe that even adults need their time to play and have free, no agenda fun. I have decided to find as many ways as possible to interweave these moments into my every day. Almost like sneaking chocolate when its dinner time. I have decided to intentionally wear things that do not match. I will skip to my van and speak in accents that I am not any good at. I will wear weird glasses and go by a different name when I order my coffee. I can do this! I can be free in the expression of my fun while I am taking care of responsibilities. Maybe that mischievous, backwards thinker can find some room in my grown-up existence.
Besides, if there is any day of the year to be called Samantha, it’s today.
Happy April Fool’s Day to all you Samantha’s out there!🌻
Loved this! Was laughing my butt off, loved how it felt like it was narrative of thoughts in ur head for the day. Keep doing u, ur amazing 😻